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When mom and dad decide that they can no longer perservere together, this does not of course mean that either of them loves their children any less. On the contrary, relationship breakdown tends to strengthen the love parents have for their child, and it brings out the protective instincts in both parents. Because of this though, the children can also become convenient weapons, used by one partner to injure the other. The tragedy, of course, is that this tends to damage the daughter or son even more than the parents! If your number one concern is really for the interests of your children, you must safeguard yourself from day one of your separation or divorce, to avoid criticizing or making denigrating statements about your estranged partner in front of your children. Having a shot at your ex through little payback comments that are difficult to challenge becomes painfully noticeable to your son or daughter after a while, and such grievances only serve to prolong the battle with your former spouse. Be the adult in the situation, so that your little one, and only your little one, gets to be the little one. Countless times, damaged parents succumb to the temptation to take a shot at their former partner by returning kids a little later than organised, thus making a point of rights, or they intentionally change arrangements at the last moment, just to stay on top in the pay-back stakes. Once you have formally ended the relationship, you need to let go of the desire to hurt your estranged spouse for the pain you have been through together. If something seems irrational, discuss this with your estranged partner and don't let it build up, and be sure to do away with the, "this is so typical of you" tone, especially when in view of the children. When your child goes back to the other parent, they should not have to bear the burden of hearing about how the other begrudges their behavior, potentially destroying what should have been a positive time with the other parent. Remember that while you might begrudge having to be involved with your ex for the rest of your child's life, you are obliged to fulfill the responsibilities that have been born of that time together. Your son or daughter should not have to pay for that. keep in mind that a psycho-emotional level, you are both a fundamental part of your child's identity. You strip down that identity when you put down your estranged spouse, as you not only create conflicting loyalties within your little one, but also carelessly destroy the view they have of themselves, which in younger years is intricately linked to their understanding of their parents. It will forever be in the best interests of your child to have the unconditional love of both mom and dad, and the working through of a difficult custody arrangement must be directed by the conscious actions of the adults involved. Relieving your daughter or son of the trauma of dislocation, and helping them to preserve their connection with both parents is by and large the best you can do for a child. coping with your anger and moving beyond your personal dissatisfaction with your former partner can be one of the best things you can do for your children. For at the end of the day, you do want your little one to learn that sometimes marriages do fail and that things do get rough, but that, in the end, they can turn out right! This is what spirit is all about and developing this in your child has always got to be in your children's best interests.
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