Comedian Steven Wright - Brilliance Or Insanity?

If you have seen one comedian, you have often seen many since they tend to borrow the same jokes from each other. When it comes to the great Steven Wright, however, everything is unique, bizarre and utterly hilarious.

If you are not familiar with Steven Wright, it is hard to know where to start. He has a huge head of frilly hair but is going bald on top. He speaks in a monotone voice, but has perfect delivery. Here are some of his choice sayings.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Article Source: http://www.rightarticle.com

Aazdak Alisimo writes for FunnyQuotesDaily.com, where you can get free funny quotes updated each and every day of the year.

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